My family has been through a lot from the very beginning. After 21 long, heartbreaking months of infertility we were finally blessed with a miracle baby. He's the sweetest boy, and he is my whole world. I can't believe that he will be 2 in a couple of months.. where has time gone?
This last November we had the surprise of our lives when we ended up pregnant from our first month of not preventing. It felt like a sure thing because it happened so quickly.. I was having plenty of morning sickness like I did with my son, and I was dealing with some major bloat due to having been pregnant before.. I was so confident in my symptoms that I figured nothing could go wrong. I was instantly and completely in love with this baby.
When I was pregnant with B I was so terrified because I knew PCOS put me at a higher risk for miscarriage, and those numbers are already through the roof in general... So I don't know why the idea never crossed my mind. My body had managed before. It was rough, but we did it. There was no way something could go wrong. I was having a baby this coming July.
Last time everything had been so hard.. this was my do over. This was another miracle.
Then during my first ultrasound my heart just stopped. The baby wasn't there. They said it could be too early, but I knew around when I had conceived.. the chances of everything being ok were getting smaller and smaller. There was concern about a possible ectopic pregnancy on one of my ovaries, but luckily that wasn't the case (cyst). This experience was terrible enough without making future fertility more difficult.
We scheduled a followup ultrasound 8 days later just in case. I thought 21 months was a long time, but nothing compared to that week. I could feel it ever since that first ultrasound.. my baby was gone. I tried to keep hoping and praying. I was so incredibly desperate to see everything work out.
Unfortunately on December 7th there was still no baby. Just a black, empty sac that is forever seared into my memory. It was over. I never knew I could hurt that badly.
That night I got off of the progesterone that was supporting my pregnancy, and I had to consider how long I would wait for my body to miscarry before scheduling a D&C. I decided to wait until at least the 1st of the year (my birthday) just to give myself a chance..
The heartbreak was bad enough without all of the waiting.. knowing I wasn't carrying a life anymore was suffocating me as the days went by. My anxiety was through the roof.
During this time I could barely leave the house. It was just too much for me to handle. Though, at one point I had to pick myself up for the sake of my son. It was Christmas time, and I knew I would regret it later if I didn't go get a picture of him with Santa.
Being around all the babies and pregnant bellies just days after confirming my worst nightmare was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.. but I'm so glad I have that photo. I'm so proud that I pushed myself so I could share that special memory with my amazing son.
On the evening of December 16th I started feeling labor type pains. It caught me off guard as my pregnancy was pretty much over before it started. I expected some cramping and bleeding, but otherwise I thought I wouldn't notice anything.
My husband wasn't home from work yet, but thankfully his dad and sister were here to take care of B so I could go sit in the tub. I don't know what I would have done without them.. Not having to worry about my son helped my anxiety tremendously.
Due to my expectations, miscarrying was one of the most terrifying and life shattering experiences of my life. I labored in the tub for a couple of hours, and within minutes of my husband getting home I delivered what should have been our baby. The physical pain was gone instantly, but emotionally I was broken.
I wish I could say I handled my family's heartbreak with strength and grace, but honestly I hit rock bottom. I was terrible to myself, and I basically hid under a rock for as long as I possibly could.
I suffered, my marriage suffered, friendships suffered, I doubt it was easy on B.. but I was doing the best I could at the time so I really can't fault myself for that. I can only try to do better and be better. Losing a child is hard as hell and almost impossible to navigate no matter who you are in the situation. Everyone hurts. Nothing really helps except for time eventually making the pain less intense.
We are coming up on what should have been our due date next month. I have been doing "ok", but I know waves can come out of nowhere. I've been knocked on my ass quite a few times over the last handful of months so I need to prepare myself. I can do this...
We love you forever and will miss you always.
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12/16/17
